Here is my story about randomness: I’m okay, starts, stops & James Troilo

In a few days, February 19, 2015 to be exact, Jim will have been gone for exactly 6 months.  The last 6 months, I have been breathing, surviving, living, crying, laughing (luckily), and figuring out this “new Sam”, this “new reality”.  See, prior to meeting Jim, I was always searching for myself.  Searching for what made me not “ordinary”.   Jim and I have always described us as opposites, and this whole story is just one example of how or why we were from the opposite sides of the spectrum, yet so close to the middle of each-other’s spectrum – the brilliance of the dichotomy.  Hopefully, we had enough time for the result to be a perfectly balanced, blendedness of extremes, manifested into the shaping of Jonah’s creative brain; but also, enough time to give me peace and understanding, especially when peace and understanding are the farthest thing from my reach.  

If you have taken the time to read this, then it probably goes without saying that Jim’s passion for the arts, laidback attitude, he’s mensch- like-brilliance is what made him so unique, intriguing, and extraordinary.  So, in my mind, I have to go back to the beginning to give me more insight on where I stood the winter/spring of 2008 (the year Jim and I met) to figure out how to carve out this new me (some would say, my tireless need to research – or google it).  In any case, I have been thinking back a lot to the day Jim and I met - in my apartment in Malvern, PA, which never should have been – except for a very peculiar series of events, in both of our lives.  Neither of us should have been in Malvern, PA at the time; we both had bigger and better destinations and adventures waiting in our minds, which we thought we would be already wondering through by 2008.  However, luck of the draw some may say, others fate, Jim just appeared at my front door one night, while my roommate was running an errand and before the party kicked-off; so there the two of us were making small talk – and as usual – Tucker was running VERY late.

Both of us had experienced many extremes the years before meeting (we always loved to play the who’s extreme was better game)… Yet this random moment in both of our lives was just so ordinary – yet extraordinary – and life altering.  Of course, post this night the rest of our journey became more of a rapid white-water rafting trip, down a wild, calm, enlightening, and frankly curvy sometimes, rocky river – because one thing we did have in common was an eye for adventure and “craziness” (quote Alyssa, with the “we are both crazy”); let’s just say we easily could relax and float down a peaceful river, then jump from 60 foot cliffs minutes later – but not without each other near (that can be authenticated by the Grund girls J).

Why go back to the beginning?  I have been asking myself the same questions for weeks. I think I may have finally realized, I have to go back to step forward – First, it has been happening for weeks, without me even realizing it.  There are so many stories of foreshadowing that have occurred this past winter to make me travel through my past – but the loss of two dear friends, a third in dire trouble, really tops any story of why to step back a moment and remember my childhood for all that it was worth – and believe me, I’m one of the very luckiest – because my childhood is worth every single memory.  I am blessed by that – with amazing parents, great sisters, loving friends, and Jackson – the person, who witnessed the start and will always have the ability to reminisce for a lifetime with me about the summer of 2008, backpacks, 90 hip-hop music, road-trips through the northeast... oh and I guess turning 25 and big, big balls/balloons (Didn’t you make jim get you one before you would leave?(NO PICS AND NO STORIES).

Anyways, I have tried to recreate my “self-discovery” that happened in 2008 to try to find a way to pass this storm and move forward.  I have done this by trying to remember the key lessons learned or OBSERVED by Jim – “stop fitting in, who cares, just move with the music” – “I love you so much because you care, and I think you are so silly because you care so much” – “What do you mean you are not creative; everyone is creative – you just never stop to let yourself be in the moment” – “Here listen to this record, draw what you hear, see what you see, stop thinking about the end story and what it’s supposed to look like, start thinking about what you want it to look like now” – “I could lie out here for hours, in the sunshine & woods, and talk about theology, philosophy, the world around us, the world far from us (he knew I loved this, so this may have just been sweet talking me)” – “I love your passion to save the world, but what about the world are you really trying to save?” (This question was mind-boggling for me – and I remember it clear as day – and I still haven’t reached a true verdict).  And, of course – three months in, “Marry me – who cares what the world will think – we will spend the rest of our lives together, so marry me, why wait another five years so it’s proper” – I could go on, but in a nut shell: Jim feed me records, shows, art, photography, laughter, simplicity, silly poetry, and books like The Alchemist, at a time when my whole life was open to forgetting about, being what I was supposed to be, and becoming who I was – key word “was”.  So, I’m going to share some of the key hippy- Alchemist discoveries, which Jim and I debated forever. Maybe one night, when bored – you can too – debate these hippy ideals (Jim would scream at this interpretation) and enjoy great laughter and self-discovery, as Jim and I did (I totally suggest a record and wine to accompany them):

But here you go, some of our all time favorites to challenge in 2008 Malvern to Philadelphia road-show – it feels like ages ago, yet in so many ways, I still can smell the smells and breath the air in the room, well maybe it’s because some were still discussed until the end of July 2014 (mostly walking on beaches – post-Philly):

The Alchemist:

-        Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You've got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.

-        Only the following items should be considered to be grave faults: not respecting another's rights: allowing oneself to be paralyzed by fear; feeling guilty; believing that one does not deserve the good or ill that happens in one's life; being a coward. We will love our enemies, but not make alliances with them. They were placed in our path in order to test our sword, and we should, out of respect for them, struggle against them. We will choose our enemies.

-        At every moment of our lives we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss.

-        All religions lead to the same God, and all deserve the same respect. Anyone who chooses a religion is also choosing a collective way for worshipping and sharing the mysteries. Nevertheless, that person is the only one responsible for his or her actions along the way and has no right to shift responsibility for any personal decisions on to that religion. (Mostly, we agreed on this one)

-        If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man...Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now.

-        Sometimes you get no second chance and that it's best to accept the gifts the world offers you.  (If only, I had understood this meaning a year ago).

-        It is not time that changes man, nor knowledge; the only thing that can change someone's mind is love.

-        Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally come to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

-        Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested. (Robert Fisher – my dad –would totally agree)

We both always agreed in empirical learning: "There is only one way to learn," the alchemist answered. "It's through action. Everything you need to know you have learned through your journey." My point of sharing this, is the fact that Jim never wanted me to become him – in fact, he loved me because we were so different; my extreme passion for the greater cause, my fanatic drive towards the future was what made Jim fall in love with me.  James wanted me to discover me – and wanted me to know that once I discovered me; he would love that me, more than anyone could possible love someone; and follow that me wherever it took us – because my journey was his journey.  Through James’ teachings or maybe his acceptance, regardless, what I became was finally just “me” – no more of what everyone around me wanted me to be – no more trying to be something that I wasn’t – just me… And, I loved that version of me for the longest moment – because without even knowing it, it was the most comfortable I have ever been, in my own skin.  I never reached Jims version of the true point of living in the moment, but I was able to stop and see the moment, especially through Jim’s lenses. 

This may be shocking to many of my deepest supporters, yet not surprising to my closest allies – because I have always given off the image that I don’t give a F what people think, but truthfully, prior to Jim, I did care; Jim broke the façade – And, for the first time I realized if Jim was there, I didn’t care – the closest to me didn’t care already, they never did… I just thought they cared – see my closest already knew that I was a survivor, a fighter, and already thought that I was above that game of caring or having the need to “find myself”.  Unfortunately, the day Jim died is the day that part of that person almost died too.  But, I’m waking up – slowly – realizing that right now I can only focus on me and Jonah, and the rest is just noise until I figure out this “new me”, then I can get back to what I love focusing on, my surroundings – focusing on those who love me.

However, today, when thinking about the self-imposed stress I’m feeling over planning for Passover it began to click – I can’t recreate my 2008 self-discovery to find my next self.  That water has already passed in that journey.  So, yes there is a good blog-post someday - about my metaphorical wondering in the wilderness (hopefully not for 40 years); how I grabbed all the little pieces of hope, memories, and thoughts built-up prior to the day Jim died, and carried on wondering & sleeping until I woke up with my scraps and survived until the next me was born – We can save this for Passover… or some other time when I’m out of the wilderness, who really knows…

Today, though, the only thing I can hope is that even with this blog – formatted in a way that has no linear story, just a jumble of miscellaneous thoughts –, which theoretically drives me insane (One-page essays will haunt me for life) - cements that Jim already has helped me discover some tricks to finding the next self-discovery.  Because, I’m not concerned about the reader right now: I’m not starting back at the beginning; I’m starting from where we left off; because, I’m still floating in a river that will ensure this “new Sam” stays true with the self-discovery from 2008.  Particularly, I have realized that Jim gave me the ability to finally understand that there is no path...   

And, mostly, all of our memories are jumbled – especially, when I think of our time right now, bits and pieces seem to form and dissipate quickly, yet I need to grab them, write them down and remember for me and Jonah, because the best lesson learned from James Troilo is that “writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals” (Don DeLillo).  Apply this to all forms of James’ life - the arts, innovational aspirations, and technology –  and you will have just described James Troilo’s core beliefs.  I would add that Jim believed, “One truth is the swing of the sentence, the beat and poise, but down deeper it's the integrity of the writer as he matches with the language… When you try to unravel something you've written, you belittle it in a way. It was created as a mystery” (Don DeLillo).  And, life needs to stay a mystery, in order to have a journey worth living.

Anyways, the truth is I always wanted to “find myself and not be ordinary”, while Jim fought hard to “find himself and become ordinary”. While, Jim’s greatest kept secret (or worst kept secret, depending on the listener) was his uneasiness with being extraordinary, unusual, and to the deepest level – an artist, brighter and smarter than his own mind was capable to believe.  This entire post, in honor of my husband, is a series of random thoughts – because right now, all I have is randomness, which drives me crazy that I can't make sense of all the chaos – yet, if I wait for the “right words”, I will fade back to the pre-2008 Sam.  

James Troilo – post 2008 Sam is still here, somewhere, and “writing is a form of personal freedom”, which I will no wait for it to make sense to the reader – in honor of you.